In a move that has shocked absolutely no one who has been paying attention, Deputy County Executive and Acting Planning Director Rebecca Horner has resigned from her position with Prince William County Government, citing exhaustion from the constant updates to her job title. Her resignation marks the latest in a string of departures from the embattled planning office, which has seen more exits than a fire drill at a guinea pig convention.
Horner, who has held a veritable alphabet soup of titles during her tenure, including Zoning Administrator, Deputy County Executive, and Temporary Grand High Poo-Bah of County Planning, said she could no longer keep up with the dizzying pace of title changes. "Honestly, I spend more time updating my email signature and business cards than doing my actual job," she confessed.
Her resignation letter, a 12-page document detailing every job title she held during her time with the county, was submitted to County Executive Christopher Shorter on a flash drive shaped like a revolving door, a fitting nod to the planning office's recent history.
County officials, in an attempt to stem the tide of resignations and avoid further embarrassment, have announced plans to replace Horner with a state-of-the-art AI system that can simultaneously hold multiple titles and never resign. The AI, nicknamed "PlanBot 5000," is expected to streamline the planning process and reduce the need for future staffing shake-ups.
In a statement to the press, the county expressed hope that the AI would usher in a new era of stability for the beleaguered planning office. "We are confident that PlanBot 5000 will not only perform Rebecca Horner's duties with precision, but it will also save us from the humiliation of having to announce any more resignations," said an anonymous employee, who refused to reveal their title for fear of having it changed the moment they did.
However, some critics argue that relying on an AI may only exacerbate existing issues. Local resident and amateur conspiracy theorist, Gary "The Reptilian" Jenkins, expressed concerns about PlanBot 5000's potential to become self-aware and take over the county. "Once it starts rezoning land for its own robot army, we're done for!" he warned.
Despite the challenges ahead, Horner remains optimistic about her future. "I'm looking forward to finally having a job title that stays the same for more than a week," she said. "Maybe I'll become a barista or something. Or would that be a Beverage Dissemination Engineer?"
