Legendary Grateful Dead guitarist and Republican candidate for the Gainesville District of the Prince William Board of County Supervisors, Bob Weir, was reportedly stunned to find a book in the local public library that used the word "vagina." As he browsed the shelves, he stumbled upon a bestselling memoir about women's health and sexuality, which dared to use anatomically correct terminology for female anatomy.
"I was absolutely horrified," Weir said, clutching his pearls. "I couldn't believe that such filth was allowed in our community's public library. What kind of message does that send to our children?"
Weir's shock over the book prompted him to announce his plans to save children from the horrors of the word "vagina," and to launch a foundation dedicated to creating alternative, less-scary words for the female anatomy.
"I'm thinking maybe we could call it a 'fun-zone' or a 'hoo-ha'," Weir suggested. "Something that won't make children run screaming from the room."
"As a conservative Republican, I believe in protecting the innocence of our children," Weir explained. "And that means shielding them from graphic descriptions of women's private parts."
Weir's opponent, Democratic candidate Kerensa Sumers, has dismissed Weir's campaign as a distraction from more pressing issues facing the district.
"Bob Weir's campaign is not only ridiculous, it's offensive to women and the intelligence of our voters," Sumers said. "We need a supervisor who will address real issues like affordable housing, transportation, and how I can secure more campaign donations from data center developers."
Despite the backlash, Weir remains steadfast in his mission to protect children from the horrors of "vagina."
"This is an issue that affects all of us," he said. "And I won't rest until every child in our community is safe from the trauma of anatomically correct terminology."