The good people of Prince William County are expressing a range of positive emotions once again thanks to sharing their county’s name with Prince William, the Duke of Cambridge, rather than Prince Andrew, the Duke of Disgusting.
Thanks to the recent settlement paid out to Virginia Giuffre, another name we here in Prince William County are quite proud of, the pig that is Prince Andrew has officially gone from the Duke of York to the Duke of Pork. Giuffre accused Prince Perv of sexual assault, and he has long since hoped that she would either just go away or perhaps shut her fat trap. Since Giuffre was unwilling to do either of those things, the tax payers of England, er, the Royal Family, wait no, the prince settled out of court for about £10 million (or $13 million USD).
The local citizens are thrilled that their beloved county shares a name with a royal who is far less gross. After all, Prince William is the son of Earth’s sweetheart, Princess Diana. They are pleased to be associated with someone who carries a legacy of philanthropy, caring, and compassion rather than a legacy of sniffing around underaged girls and lying through his teeth about it.
Though Her Majesty the Queen Elizabeth II is no doubt happy that her favorite grandson’s name is featured on such a fine county, which is home to some of the best-looking folks you will find in this rebel nation across the pond, she is, of course, concerned about her son’s pedo proclivities.
“I have done everything correctly from the day of my coronation," said the Queen in a statement provided to The Lune. "Remember the time I wouldn’t let my sister, Princess Margaret, marry the love of her life because he had been divorced? That would have been a very bad look for the Royal Family.”
Since the ultraconservative actions of the past look like a walk in Hyde Park compared to the royal scandals of the last few decades, the Queen is just grateful no one is calling her out for any of it.
“I let my cheating son divorce and remarry. My grandson married a ‘Deal or No Deal’ girl, and his kids will be growing up with American accents. Now a sexual assault case? Thank the good lord that my sister is no longer with us to see what I have allowed,” said the Queen as she kicked one of her corgis.
Since this is likely not the last royal scandal that the world will see, the people of Prince William County are not taking any chances. They are already compiling a list of other famous royals to consider if and when Prince William is caught up in his own royal tragedy. Names that have made the short list include Franklin County, in honor of the Queen of Soul, Aretha Franklin, and James County, in honor of Kevin James, the King of Queens. Who cares if they are already taken?
