In an oddly pointed and slightly skewed attempt at promoting diversity, Maria Burgos, the Director of Equity and Inclusion for Prince William County Government, has recently sparked controversy with her unusual directive: "Ditch your mainstream supermarkets and shop only at Global Food!"
Why, you may ask? Because according to Burgos, "Every other grocery store in the vicinity is flagrantly racist."
We'll give you a moment to digest that.
In an elaborate PowerPoint presentation, which many viewers described as a "glitchy spiral into produce-based prejudice," Burgos argued that mainstream supermarkets were guilty of racially discriminatory practices. She illustrated her point with a photo of an avocado display in an unnamed store, asserting that it "aggressively asserts avocado hegemony." When someone in the Zoom chat pointed out that avocados are a universally adored food, Burgos responded, "That's exactly what they want you to think!"
In her manifesto, Burgos praised Global Food as a shining beacon of diversity. She touted the wide variety of international food items offered by the store as proof of its superior inclusivity, seemingly unaware that other grocery stores also carry international products.
The argument took a decidedly surreal turn when Burgos accused rival supermarkets of exhibiting "fruitistic bias" by offering more bananas than plantains, thereby engaging in "flagrant favoritism of curved yellow fruit over the equally delicious and slightly less curvy variety." When reminded that consumer demand drives inventory decisions, Burgos, dismissing the notion, said that it was "nothing more than a convenient excuse for banana supremacism."
There was a considerable silence when Burgos also suggested that the cheese section at Global Food was more inclusive because "it doesn’t discriminate against the softer, smellier cheeses that other stores shy away from." She dismissed Brie, Cheddar, and Gouda as the 'privileged class of the cheese world,' advocating instead for a Stinking Bishop revolution.
While many are scratching their heads over Burgos's one-sided view of diversity, the Global Food grocery chain is trying to capitalize on the unexpected endorsement. A new ad campaign featuring Burgos's photograph and the slogan "Global Food - where food isn't racist" is set to roll out next week, as long as the legal team can figure out whether it's illegal to imply that produce is prejudiced.
Meanwhile, other grocery chains in the area, initially alarmed, are now quietly amused. One manager, speaking on condition of anonymity, quipped, "If anyone can find racism in a fruit salad, I'm pretty sure it's not the fruit salad's problem."
Whether or not you're ready to label your local grocery store a den of food-based bigotry, one thing is clear: Maria Burgos's fervor for promoting diversity is as unmistakable as her misunderstanding of it.
Stay tuned for next week when she will be presenting a 40-slide PowerPoint on how different types of pasta might be conspiring to maintain spaghetti's dominance.