At last night’s meeting, Bob Weir, Gainesville District Supervisor on the Prince William Board of County Supervisors, embarked on a mystifying quest to solve the riddle of the Internet, demonstrating the technological aptitude of a sea sponge in the process.
Having been stumped by the sheer complexity of the county government's website, Weir unleashed a tirade at Acting Planning Director Dave McGettigan over an allegedly missing item. His inability to locate the specific document ignited a debate about the merits of Esperanto as a universal language, and raised questions about whether Weir believes the internet works via some form of telepathy.
"Where is the document on cultural resources?" bellowed Weir, apparently unaware that he was in a word processor program and not on the website.
McGettigan, demonstrating the patience of a saint, gently pointed out that the document in question was indeed available online, directing Weir to the 'Search' function. This sent Weir into a tailspin, as he had apparently never encountered such cutting-edge technology.
"My AOL 1995 CD didn't come with a 'search' function!" Weir replied, sparking a furious debate among onlookers about whether he was still living in the previous millennium.
Ever the trooper, McGettigan then suggested that Weir might be able to locate the document by simply scrolling through the website. Weir, looking as if he had been asked to decode the Voynich manuscript, countered, "Scrolling? You mean like, with parchment?"
The discussion took a philosophical turn when Weir pondered aloud, "Why isn't this website reading my mind yet? I thought we were in the age of Artificial Intelligence?"
Upon reflection, Weir, unfazed by the confusion, remarked, "You know, I've heard all these kids talking about 'the cloud.' I tried that once – left my laptop outside during a storm and it still couldn't find the planning department's website. Tech is a darn hoax!"
When asked to comment, McGettigan was found in the county office, repeatedly hitting his head against a desk and quietly whispering, "I'm not in IT. I'm not in IT."
Moving forward, the county board has earmarked funds for a mandatory tech training session, tentatively titled "Computers: They Don’t Bite, Bob," aimed at improving Weir's online navigation skills and proving once and for all that the Internet and telepathy are not synonymous.
"We just hope he doesn't try to feed the computer a floppy disk," a board member sighed off the record. "Or worse, his lunch."