Mark Sicat, who resides just a hop and skip away from the kiddies' favorite summer splash spot, has had the genius epiphany to turn his humble abode on Wheeler Drive into a smorgasbord of bang-bangs and pow-pows. His driveway? Oh, that's just the future hot spot for gun aficionados to pick up their latest acquisition while they make small talk about Aunt Patty's latest beef stew recipe.
Gloriously dreaming of turning his Manassas estate into the Walmart of weaponries, Sicat intends to offer an eclectic collection of guns ranging from "blast-from-the-past" WWII models to the much-celebrated squirt guns...oh, sorry, just regular guns. While most deals will be handled online, in the spirit of old-fashioned garage sales, locals can swing by to snatch their gun right from his carport. (No lemonade stands planned yet, but we remain hopeful.)
While his business is just a stepping stone—because why settle for a garage when you can have an entire mansion of muskets?— some neighbors are, unsurprisingly, less than enthralled. Concerns? Well, mainly the teensy detail of having an armory right next to where kiddos play Marco Polo. But also, would it clash with the neighborhood's annual bake sale?
Though a few of the more vocal residents have, according to Sicat, "made it their life's mission" to smear his good name with a bit of mud-slinging, he stands firm. He's got a shiny U.S. government security clearance badge, which we all know is basically the adult version of a gold star in kindergarten. And let's not forget: no sales of those noisy silencers or sneaky short-barreled thingamajigs!
With a max of five on-site customer visits a day, and just one at a time—because nothing screams exclusivity like a one-in-one-out policy—Sicat promises the utmost discretion. After all, guns will be neatly tucked in their bed (read: safe) until their new owners come to claim them.
In a thrilling climax, members of the Planning Commission, citing precedent (because if one guy did it, why not everyone?), gave their hearty thumbs-up for the venture. Though, of course, a couple played party pooper, thinking perhaps this wasn't the kind of neighborhood activity they'd had in mind.
But hey, in the words of one commission member, they've greenlit this kind of fun before. So, what's one more gun shop between friends? And remember, if you hear a bang, it's just Sicat's business booming! Or...well, you get the idea.