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Hasbro Sends Cease and Desist to Washington Commanders

Photo by Rob Carr/Getty Images

Hasbro, the stalwart of 1980s toy domination from a time before Melissa & Doug softened children’s expectations of violence, has taken a decidedly different pass on the Washington Commanders new moniker.

“Our client feels that the new Washington Commanders team name bears a heavy resemblance to our intellectual property and copyrighted iconic comic book character of Cobra Commander,” states the cease and desist letter obtained by The Rural Lune.

Cobra Commander, a character marked by shrewd and often evil and manipulative behavior, is the fanatical leader of a terrorist organization bent on total control. No matter the consequences, Cobra Commander always manages to foil the G.I. Joe team.

Classically depicted in a silver mask and pageboy helmet, experts say “his charm can twist intentions and morals, so that his rhetoric actually reads as plausible and relatable to his minions.”

Cobra Commander upon hearing the team's announcement on Feb. 2

Despite behavior and morals consistent with team owner Daniel Snyder, the masked character's perceived connection with the the new name is also not a hit with fans, but not for the reasons you may expect.

“Personally, I think all of us should have a unmasked mascot to root for,” said Natalia Litner from Nokesville. “This mask-only Commanders mascot is ruining my children from enjoying football at all.”

Other fans are worried about their favorite characters and whether they will meet the same fate. “If ever there was a time to stand with our geriatric millennial friends, it’s now,” said an emo fan in his late 20s. “If we don’t watch out they’ll take the Pink Power Ranger next."