Prince William County, Virginia, in an epic display of self-awareness, has announced its grandiose plans to celebrate the coronation of King Charles III this weekend. As the new king ascends to the throne in the far-off land of Great Britain, the residents of this not-at-all British county will be busy celebrating with enthusiasm that surely won't be misplaced.
Leading the festivities will be the recently appointed "Prince William County Royal Coronation Ambassador," Dave, who also happens to be the guy who works the counter at the local 7-Eleven. Dave's extensive knowledge of royalty, gained from a quick Google search and a last-minute binge-watch of "The Crown," has prepared him to guide the celebrations with the grace and dignity that the occasion demands.
The county's official Facebook page has already posted a detailed schedule of events, which includes a 2-hour delay on trash pickup, a special sale at the local mattress store, and a "Royal Tea Party" at the community center, where attendees are encouraged to bring their own tea bags and cups. The event, however, will be held in the parking lot to avoid violating fire safety regulations.
To really get into the spirit, the Board of County Supervisors has issued a decree that all residents must, for the duration of the weekend, speak with a British accent. The accent, a charming blend of Cockney, Liverpudlian, and Australian, will be taught during a 30-minute crash course led by Dave.
Local businesses are also getting in on the action, with the county's only British-themed pub, "The Queen's Armadillo," offering a special Coronation Menu. The menu features such delights as "King Charles III Fish 'n Chips," which is suspiciously similar to their regular fish 'n chips, and "Royal Scones," which are essentially just oversized biscuits.
Prince William County Public Schools will be participating in the celebrations by dedicating an entire half-hour of social studies classes to discussing the history and impact of the British monarchy. Students will then be asked to write a one-page essay on their favorite member of the royal family, which will be graded on a scale of Prince Harry to Queen Elizabeth II.
To cap off the weekend, a grand "Coronation Parade" will be held, consisting of Dave, the high school marching band, and a group of confused-looking children dressed as British monarchs from throughout history. The parade route will start at the Walmart parking lot and end at the Taco Bell drive-thru, where everyone is encouraged to order a Crunchwrap Supreme to commemorate the historic event.
The Prince William County Royal Coronation Celebration promises to be a weekend to remember, or at the very least, one that will leave residents wondering why they didn't just watch the actual coronation on TV instead.