Northern Virginia Community College (NOVA) has announced the launch of its newest degree program, "The Art of Lying". According to NOVA President Anne M. Kress, this program is a natural fit given the college's proximity to Washington D.C., and is designed to prepare young minds for successful careers in politics.
"There is just no way our students will be prepared to run for office, work as lobbyists, or earn a highly-coveted appointed position without knowing how to properly lie, bend the truth, or distract from the important issues," Kress said.
Coursework in the program will be intense, with students required to pass classes like Distraction 101, Intro to Sex Scandal Management, Advanced Deflection, and Applied Ad Hominem. And according to Sam Hill, the Provost of the Woodbridge Campus, the program has already seen some distinguished graduates, including Barack Obama, Kamala Harris, and George W. Bush (though our reporters pointed out that those politicians actually graduated from Harvard, Howard, and Yale, respectively).
To learn more about how the program is creating tomorrow's leaders, we sat down with a recent graduate who shared his bright career prospects at a local lobbying firm that pays $750,000 per year plus bonuses and a company Tesla. When asked about his leased Vespa with bald tires, the student was quick to deflect and accuse our reporter of using "alternative facts" and checking their privilege.
What's next for the program? Rumor has it that they're expanding the curriculum to include foreign policy coursework like Befriending Dictators and Extramarital Affair Management. We reached out to Mr. Hill for comment, but he had to cut our conversation short to take an important phone call from President Biden (or at least, that's what he told us). Through a spokesperson, he did issue a statement asking us once again to check our privilege.
We can't wait to see what kind of leaders this program will produce in the future. One thing's for certain: they'll be more than prepared to "bend the truth" and "distract from the important issues" as they embark on their careers in politics.
