With its rich history of tobacco farming, the Commonwealth of Virginia has long been at the forefront of this centuries-old industry. Today, Prince William County has taken yet another step forward in this growing industry by collaborating with none other than Bill Gates to bring plant-based Impossible Tobacco to the masses.
After seeing the success of the Impossible Burger, locals were thrilled to engage with tech billionaire Gates to bring the massive industry of plant-based garbage to Prince William County. In a recent interview, Gates inspired local residents with his optimism about this emerging market. “When Impossible Foods had its initial public offering (IPO), I got so much richer. It was awesome.” Gates hopes to bring some of that prosperity to others and is not just trying to out earn Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk in some sort of capitalist pissing contest.
Though residents are always interested in bringing new job opportunities to Northern Virginia, many have expressed confusion. “Plant-based tobacco?" asked one local resident. "Isn’t tobacco already plant-based? It is, quite literally, a plant.”
Since he has the best interest of Virginians at heart, Gates encouraged this local resident not to ask questions. “Yes, tobacco is a single ingredient that grows out of the ground. You know what else grows out of the ground? The 27 ingredients that make up the gelatinous mass that we will then turn into cigarettes. I don’t understand why anyone would not be on board. I mean, it’s practically like smoking a salad.”
Mr. Gates has been working hard to lobby our elected officials so that Impossible Tobacco products can be labeled as a health food. He is pretty optimistic that legislation will pass as soon as it goes to vote provided his checks to a number of lobbyists clear before then. Said Gates, “Of course I confident that I will get my way. After all, I am the guy who convinced this country that a burger made with nothing but beef is bad for your health, but a burger made out of soy protein concentrate, coconut oil, sunflower oil, potato protein, methylcellulose, yeast extract, salt, and gum is a health food. Sure, many of our national partners like Dunkin’ and Burger King lost their shirts trying to make sure that this goo, er, fine product made it to everyone’s dinner table, but that is not my problem. I already made my money on the IPO.”
Once Gates convinces our elected officials that the term “plant-based” means healthy, and that they should not question a billionaire’s motives, he then plans to have cigarette machines installed in all local schools. “Impossible Tobacco means that cigarettes are now good for us. There is really no reason we should keep this health food product from our children.” And he does not plan to stop there. Sources tell us that Gates has already filed to trademark other brand names such as Impossible Donuts, Impossible Whiskey, and Impossible Heroin.