Sources confirmed Monday that Ken Knarr, a Republican candidate for Chair of the Prince William Board of County Supervisors, has apparently decided to replace his entire vocabulary with Marine Corps slogans, catchphrases, and anecdotes. No, seriously, this is not a drill.
As you may already know if you've been within a 5-mile radius of Knarr's campaign events (or if you've ever made the mistake of asking him how his day is going), Knarr is a Marine. He has been a Marine. He will always be a Marine. He was possibly born a Marine, emerging from the womb with a buzz cut and a distaste for civilians.
In his latest stump speech, Knarr took a moment to fondly reminisce about the hard times in boot camp. "I remember when I was in the Marines," he began, as the crowd collectively sighed, bracing themselves for yet another war story that had little to do with county policy.
When asked about his stance on school funding, Knarr replied, "You know, back in my Marine days, we didn't need fancy textbooks. We had discipline, respect, and a sense of duty. That's what our schools need." It was unclear how Knarr planned to implement a "sense of duty" in the curriculum, or if he intended to replace math class with morning drills.
Knarr's campaign team has been equally affected. One assistant, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being sent on a 5 A.M. jog, said, "He once told me to fall in for a meeting. I thought he was joking. He wasn't. I've never been so scared of PowerPoints in my life."
Critics have pointed out that, while Knarr's service is commendable, his military focus may be a tad off base for a local government role. When one brave soul asked him about his plans for addressing the county's pothole issue, Knarr responded, "In the Marines, we didn't complain about a few bumps in the road. We marched on. Semper Fi!"
It's yet to be seen whether Knarr's single-minded strategy will win him the chair, or if voters will tire of being metaphorically barracked. Either way, one thing is clear: Should Knarr not be successful in his bid, he's got a promising career ahead of him as a Marine Corps motivational speaker or a boot camp drill sergeant in Hollywood.
In other news, sources report that the Marine Corps is considering adopting "Ken Knarr" as a new intensity level during training, a step up from "hardcore."
And to Ken Knarr, if you're reading this, we get it. You're a Marine. Semper Fi, or whatever. Now, can we please talk about the traffic problem on Old Bridge Road?